Image: Louie Chin
This episode is exclusive to our Patreon members. Join us!
A couple months ago, a friend handed Julia a scrap of paper with a phone number on it. One night, bored and maybe a little tipsy, she called it up. This is who she met.
Produced by Nick van der Kolk and Julia DeWitt, with help from Pat Mesiti-Miller. More of Julia and Pat’s (more family-friendly) work can be heard on Snap Judgment.PLAYLIST
Song – Artist – Album
Julia – Editor B via Steve McLaughlin via the Beatles
Petite Fille Amour – Jacqueline Taïeb – The Complete Masterworks Of The French Mademoiselle
SECRET HOTLINE CALLER: I have been in a somewhat strange situation. I’ve been in a relationship for four and a half years now. The whole sexual experience had completely dried up. I had an affair, and I contracted HIV, so I’ve been trying to explain why I don’t want to have sex anymore at all. At a certain point I decided that I couldn’t just say anymore “I’m not in the mood,” so while at a diner one night, I decided to spill hot coffee on my crotch, to give myself an excuse.
To leave your secret call 641-715-3900, then dial 55403#.
* * *[The Superchat. All callers must be 18 years of age or older. If you are not 18, you must hang up now. Enter at your own risk. Never give out any personal information, such as your real full name, your phone number, or your address. Press 1 now to come on in. <<BEEP>>
You’re at the main menu. For our one-on-one introduction, press 1. Get to the party rooms by pressing 2. Match and chat is on 3. Our quiet corner is on 6. <<BEEP>>
You’re in the quiet corner. When you’re done here and ready to rejoin the party, press the pound key.]
I guess the quiet corner means it’s quiet, like there’s no people here. So I’m gonna go to Match and Chat. <<BEEP>>.[This is where we match you up one-on-one with other party people. To move on to the next person, press 1. Straight men, press 1. Straight women, press 2. Gay men, press 3. Gay women, press 4. <<BEEP>>
You’ve been matched, say hello!]
– Who dis?
– My name is Julia, I work for a radio show, and someone just gave me this phone number.[The one-on-one conference has ended. You’ve been matched, say hello!]
– What’s up? Where are you from and what are you doing up on here?
– Well, I work for a radio show, and I was investigating it for the radio show.
– Oh, yeah?
– Have you been on here before?
– Yeah I have. Cuz I like to meet up with women.
– Does it work?
– Yes, it works great, actually.
– Is it all just phone sex, basically?
– No, it’s all about meeting up for me. I love to meet up, I love to see who I’m talking to. I have met up with probably about seven, eight different women already.
– But do you actually talk to people – talk to people?
– Yeah, of course. Yes.
– I mean, why not just call your friends?
– Because I want to meet a new friend, that’s why. I love meeting anonymous women. I like to get my dick wet; I love busting nuts.
– Women actually wanna have sex with you when you talk like this?
– Oh, they love it. They get turned on. Women love it when you talk to them straight up, you know? I don’t like to beat around the bush. I mean, you can come over here and you can find out.
– Do you have girlfriends ever?
– Um naw, I don’t like having girlfriends. I don’t want a girlfriend because I’m not gonna be able to stay faithful.
– But don’t you want the love and intimacy of being with someone?
– Naw naw naw. I like to fuck. I’m not the romantic type, spending my money on a girl. There’s no different sorts of women. They all have different brains, they all think different, but let me tell you this: every women all love the dick. They all crave it, they all want it. You want it, too.
– But you were just saying that every woman has a different idea about what they want to do…
– Look, lady, all I can tell you is that I’ve had all different types of pussy: good pussy, nasty pussy, stinky pussy, hairy pussy, not hairy pussy, black pussy, white pussy, Asian pussy – I’ve had all different sorts of pussy, okay? Will you let me fuck you?
– No, that’s not why I’m here.
– You wouldn’t let me fuck you? Are you a freak? Are you a freak? Well, we’re gonna talk about you, okay? It’s time to talk about you now. You’ve known a lot about me, and now we’re gonna talk about you. Are you a freak? Are you a freak? Are-you-a-freak?
– I think I might need to move out of this single chat.
– Yeah, right… If anything, your pussy is getting all wet.
– You’re a real nudge.
– I’m a real what?
– Very push.
– You’re very pushy!
– Yeah, like someone’s pushy, they’re pushing you – they’re pushy!
– Well, maybe I am pushy. Maybe it’s because I’m horny, that’s why. Hold on a second, I got a text message, hold on. Wait a minute. I got a text message right now from some woman, she wants me to fuck her.
– I thought that might be what you were gonna say… [laughs]
– I love talking on here and meeting anonymous women, and I love fucking the shit out of them. So I hope you’re recording that, and I hope you share it with everybody.
– Okay, okay. I think I’m gonna go talk to somebody else, but thanks for talking.
– Okay, bye.
– Bye. <<BEEP>>[You’ve been matched. Say hello!]
– Hey, how are you doing? I’m Brian. What’s your name?
– Hi, my name is Julia.
– Hey, Julia. So, where are you calling out of? I’m in Santa Rosa.
– I’m calling from Oakland, but Brian, I should tell you – I’m doing this project for my friend’s podcast, so I’m recording this call because I was curious about this phone line.
– Okay… So there’s nothing else that you’re maybe interested in?
– My main interest is just to talk to whoever’s on here, really. But I have been on here one other time, so far as I could tell almost everybody else was on here for phone sex, if that’s what you’re asking.
– I’m taking it that’s not what you’re looking for, obviously.
– No… Well, no, no.
– Okay, fair enough. So Julia, could you describe yourself, please?
– I could. Could we do something where I tell you that, and then I can ask you a question?
– Okay. I’m white, I’m about 5’9″, light brown hair, blue eyes, athletic build.
– Sounds very nice. Well, I’m 6’6″, I’m Irish and German, slender but toned.
– Do you use this phone line a lot?
– I’ve used this phone line maybe three times in the last four or five months.
– I’m just curious what you like about it.
– Well, I mean, I’m a spontaneous person, I’m very open-minded, so I like all the randomness of it. I find some of the conversations interesting and, of course, I won’t lie to you, when a guy is horny, you know how it is, it’s a good place to come to talk about erotic pleasures, and whatever. So Julia, how old are you, if I may ask?
– I am 27. How old are you?
– Are you actually 33?
– Yeah, why?
– Well, the reason I ask is because the way that you described your physical build, slender but still jacked, sounded so like the ideal man, that I wasn’t sure whether you were telling me the truth.
– I have no reason to lie to you, but there again… I don’t expect you to believe me, let’s just leave it at that. Now, I have gotta say that I admire, and I’m rather fond of the way that you go about conversing. You’re unique, and I find that cool.
– Well, thank you.
– This friend which you’re doing this podcast for, is he or she there with you now?
– No, very good question. He is not. He’ll listen to this later, but he’s not here now.
– So are you by yourself, or…?
– I am, I’m by myself. Are you married, with any kids?
– No, I’m not.
– Do you wanna have kids?
– Yeah, I mean… Like I said, I’m open-minded. Kids aren’t out of the question for me. So back on what you’re wearing, Julia?
– I’m wearing a lot of clothes, so it’s not that interesting.
– What do you have on your feet?
– What do I have on my feet? I have some cotton socks.
– How would you feel about a guy rubbing his cock between your feet and spraying a hot load of cum all over your bare feet?
– I would probably feel fine about that, because it’s so utterly un-violating. It’s my feet.
– Okay. Julia, could you do me a favor? Could you remove your socks? Could you tell me what color your toe nails are, please?
– I’m gonna remove my sock. They’re not painted.
– Are the sole of your feet really smooth, or calloused, or what?
– There have been times in my life when they’ve been much more calloused, but I work an office job existence, so…
– Too bad I wasn’t there, I’d love to give you a sensual foot massage, and if I may bluntly and boldly say, kiss and lick you from head to toes. Now, what were you gonna ask?
– Do you feel like you could articulate what it is about feet that you like, or is that impossible?
– That’s a good question. I think I’ve admired feet ever since I was a kid. Okay, I believe the first time I ever became attracted to a female’s feet was my neighbor just down the road. I was like eight, nine years old and she was around the same age. She had painted toe nails and I just remember her in sandals and I found her feet to be attractive. I don’t know if that makes any sense to you or not, but…
– I mean, it makes sense. I’m not particularly into feet, so it doesn’t make that kind of sense to me, but it does make sense like any attraction makes sense.
– Julia, did you take your socks off? Are you now barefoot?
– Well, I took one sock off. Should I take the other sock off?
– Would you, please?
– Sure. Give me one second. Okay, I have no socks on, and my feet are totally naked. Everything else is totally covered, but my feet are naked.
– So could you try to fathom, if you would, taking your feet, and watching a guy’s rock hard cock as he’s completely aroused, and stroking it in between the soles of your feet?
– It doesn’t really arouse me, just because I’d feel so far away from… Like, physically far away from my torso.
– Have you ever had a guy that squirts like a sprinkler? I mean because I literally squirt like a sprinkler when I have to come, I mean a lot comes out.
– Like a sprinkler? What do you mean, like the sort of intermittent spewing?
– An abundant amount, high volumes generally most of the time when I have an orgasm. I’m just curious, Julia, is there any chance you could take a picture of the soles of your feet and send it to me?
– I could, although I am a little bit concerned about giving you my e-mail address. Let’s see if there’s a way.
– That’s absolutely fine, I understand. Fair enough… oh baby I’m gonna come all over your beautiful bare feet — <<BEEP>>[Your one-on-one conference has ended. You’ve been matched, say hello!]
– Hey wassup?
– I am a producer for a radio show, and I’m recording this call because I was just trying out this phone number. I was trying to figure out why people use the phone number for.
– Shit, what do you think?
– I don’t know… I guess I was totally naive, I thought maybe people just got on and talked about – obviously they talked about hooking up, but I thought they talked about maybe other things.
– You only talked to — I’m the first guy that you talked to?
– No, I talked to another guy, then I paged through some other people, but it’s just a bunch of dudes.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re trying to hear girls, too?
– No, I’m just trying to talk to people, but it’s all dudes that sound like they’re lying in their bed…
– Yeah, of course.
– …with their dick in their hand.
– Yeah, especially at this time of night, you know?
– Yeah, really, man. I guess I should’ve known. Do you do this a lot?
– When I’m bored, yeah. I just actually started back doing it, because I’ve been kind of homeless more here and there, so it’s kind of been harsh. But whenever I can get a chance, I try to just meet somebody, kick it.
– Where are you living when you’re homeless?
– On the streets, and shit. Different girls’ houses.
– In San Francisco?
– All over, really.
– So you’re still homeless?
– Yeah, actually I am. Do you guys help with places or something?
– No…[Your one-on-one conference has ended. You’ve been matched, say hello!]
– Hola…que haces…como te llamas…
– Sorry? <<BEEP>>[You have now blocked this caller. You’ve been matched, say hello!]
– How are you, love?
– I’m good, what’s your name?
– My name is Donnie. What is your name, love?
– That’s a pretty name.
– Right… Thank you, Donnie. [laughs]
– Are you enjoying yourself, Julia?
– I am. I mean, Donnie, I should tell you, I’m recording this call. I’m working on this audio project, so that’s why I’m on here, I’m just talking to people. I work in radio.
– Am I on the radio now?
– So you work in the radio and at night you feel alone do you and you want to call and maybe talk to a nice man, such as myself? Are you by yourself?
– I am, yeah. But Donnie, I should say, I am having trouble believing the accent. Your accent doesn’t sound very good.
– Well, if I wasn’t British why would I be talking with this accent? [laughter] So it’s not that good of an accent…
– No, it’s not.
– Shit. [laughter] Alright. Okay, you got me.
– So what are you trying to find out on this…?
– Honestly, I have no idea what… I was gonna be on here, but as soon as I got on I realized it was just dudes want to have phone sex, and I assumed it I talked to people long enough I’d find some people that just wanted to talk.
– What were you expecting, though? Because it says even on the thing, it’s like…
– I know, I know, I know…
– …straight female to whatever, you know what I mean?
– I know. As soon as I got to the menu I was like, “Okay, well…” And then I kind of felt like the asshole, because I was on this line being like “I just wanna talk,” but the fact is the menu sets you up to… I don’t know.
– Well, I’ll talk with you.
– So why were you using the British accent?
– The British accent?
– Oh, this is fun.
– Does it make you feel more anonymous, or something, not using your voice?
– Yeah, I mean there’s a sense of ‘anonymousness’ with it, I guess. This will sound weird, but I like to imagine a scenario where I’m somebody who I’m kinda not I guess. Some girls, it gets them hot, you know?
– Yeah, for some reason being totally anonymous here for me hasn’t been quite enough. I know that it’s the sound of my voice…
– Yeah, you have a nice voice.
– Eh. Other people have told me this on this phone line, but I think probably just because they want phone sex.
– Oh, you’re on the radio and shit; they didn’t give you a job on the radio for not having a… So take the compliment, will you?
– Yeah, thank you. So have you ever tried it with your regular voice?
– No, no.
– How come?
– It’s like… it’s more exciting for me with the… It sounds weird, but I don’t know. I’ve always kind of wished I was British, just, like, sexually, you know what I mean?
– Where did you get the idea originally?
– I don’t really know. I mean, do you remember the show Dempsey and Makepeace?
– Uh, no.
– I used to watch it when I was a kid. It was like this crime drama, but one of the characters in it was this woman name Makepeace, and I had a huge crush on her when I was a kid. She was British, so maybe that’s where I first started. You know, I’m not a dirty talker normally, but if I flip on that British… I’ll be able to say some nasty shit, the girls on here, a lot of them like nasty shit.
– Do you talk to girls otherwise? Like, do you date, do you have a girlfriend?
– Yeah, I date, I’ve had girlfriends in the past. I had my last girlfriend, it was like two years we were together.
– Did you guys talk dirty?
– Not really.
– Did you want to more?
– Yeah. I remember one time she asked what I wanted for my birthday, and I was like, well, I told her I wanted to do some role-play stuff. And at first she was like “Okay, what do you want to do?” and I told her I wanted to be a British prince. It sounds funny, but that’s my shit. Then she would be at the king’s ball, or something like that. She started laughing right away, and she was like “Are you serious?” and I was like “No…”
– No, but the way that you’re talking to me about it now, it’s kind of funny. I don’t mean to be judgmental…
– What do you mean?
– It is, you’re laughing; it’s funny. I’m laughing, so it’s kind of funny.
– Sure, it’s like totally weird-sounding, right?
– No. I mean, it’s funny because of the way you present it, but I don’t think it’s totally weird.
– Right? It’s not that weird, right?
– No, it’s not that weird.
– I mean, it’s not like I’m dressing myself like a stuffed animal, or something.
– Ask to pop balloons, sit on a balloon, on a chair, or some shit, you know what I mean?
– Yes, I think it’s totally fine. Everyone’s got something abnormal.
– What’s your abnormality?
– To be honest, I’m kind of vanilla when it comes to sex.
– You gotta tell me, I told you all my fuckin’ British fantasies and shit.
– I know, I know, you’re right. I don’t know, I guess my biggest actual one is that I wanna be a third in a threesome.
– Oh, crazy. I used to have a roommate, him and his girlfriend would go to a bar and then pull back with some chick from the bar; it would happen pretty regularly. So it can happen, don’t give up hope.
– Yeah, I mean I know it can happen, it just happened for me.
– Oh, it did happen?
– Recently, like a few weeks ago.
– How did it go? Was it good?
– It was really good, yeah. I mean, mostly just because to see that something that you actually want sexually can happen, as much as the sex itself waking up the next morning and just being like, “Fuck, this is possible. What I want sexually, is possible.” You know what I mean? I mean, I’m thinking of your British accent thing, that maybe to be with somebody where they’re not gonna laugh at it, it feels really good.
– That would be nice.
– Yeah, I guess I just never had anybody who was open to it.
– I don’t know, I would be open to it.
– You into it? Are you saying you’re into it?
– Well, don’t be so aggressive. I’m just saying I’m open to it.
– If I just came by your house in a chariot, happened to step out and… You’re laughing, see?
– I know, I’m sorry. It’s hard… I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
– So you are encouraging it, but then as soon as I start talking British you’re laughing at me.
– I know, I’m sorry.
– You’re not the first.
– No, but I’m not laughing at you. It’s just a funny transition, right? It’s kind of like when you transition to sex, when you’re both… Like, that moment when you’ve got six inches away from each other, and then all of a sudden your brain turns off and you are having sex. I mean, you’re making out and…
– Does your brain turn off?
– No, I mean, that’s why I laughed, because we weren’t quite six inches away from each other, you know what I mean? We were like three feet away from each other. I’m really comfortable with you, but…
– I dunno. Maybe we should just try it, maybe we should just try it.
– So you’re saying your name is Julia?
– What are you wearing, darling?
– I mean, I’m wearing clothes. I’m wearing jeans and a tank top.
– Oh, what a shame.
– What a shame? What do you want me wearing?
– I find clothes to be a bother.
– I do, too. Do you mind to take them off?
– First you take your shirt a little bit, and maybe unbutton your first button on your pants.
– Okay, I can do that.
– And what do we have there?
– A mix of cotton lace panties.
– Alright, that’s a fine fabric. What color would they be?
– Are you gonna take your shirt off?
– Oh I’ll unbutton.
– Unbutton? You’re wearing a button-up shirt?
– Okay, my shirt’s off and boy, I’m feeling hot. Stretched out now. Would you like to lay back where you are?
– I think I might.
– What about your shirt, do you mind taking it off maybe?
– Yeah, I’d be okay with it.
– And you have a bra on?
– Yeah, I do.
– I would like to bite that bra right off, snap the elastic that’s going around your back.
– That might be kind of fun.
– Would you like that?
– I wouldn’t mind you…
– If I just bit your bra right off and snap the elastic.
– I wouldn’t mind you taking it off a bit more gently.
– Oh, I can be gentle, too. I was very slowly just going to unhook the back and slide it over your head. Would it be off then? Maybe on the floor?
– Yeah, it’s off then.
– I can tell you, you have my trousers in a crumpled bunch. But I’ll have to tell you, Julia, my coat feathers are ripe for the dusting. Would you fancy a roll in the old cabbage patch with me?
– Yeah, that sounds great.
– So you skip to the old cabbage patch, and I’ll have a knock around your…give a big punt to the old hoo-whistle. You must’ve have mommy’s because they’re shining so bright. Maybe if I take a bite into one of them then my teeth will fall out.
– That’s great.
– You won’t mind coming over to my lap for a bit of snuggery?
– That sounds just fine.
– That’s right, come on over and thumbwise on my dickories. Oh Julie would you just tickle a bit of my Benedict Cumberbatch. Oh, that’s right, she likes that. Salute to the Queen, Cumberbatch! Salute to the Queen, Cumberbatch! [laughter] Okay, I laugh, too…
– I know, I’m sorry. It’s funny.
– What’s not funny is there’s a beastie living in my…
– Living in your trousers.
– Yeah I don’t think it’s gonna work.
– Yeah… I don’t know. I… What are you doing tomorrow? Do you want to get a drink?
– Sure. Are you serious?
– Yeah. You still there?[The one-on-one conference has ended.]
* * *
– Well if the Queen herself walked in I’d slap her across her face to get one smell of your hair.
– That’s weird, right?
– Alright, once more.
– You’d get along fine with a British mate such as myself, who could tickle your tabby up until the wee hours. I don’t know… Can you give me “God, I want you to suck on my little Benedict Cumberbatch.”
– Yeah, take a taste of my little Benedict Cumberbatch.
– Oh Julia, can you just tickle a bit on my little Benedict Cumberbatch, would you? That’s right, he likes that.
– OK, that was pretty good.
Nick van der Kolk, Host, Director & Producer
Julia DeWitt, Producer