The Adventures of Zoe Nightingale

Zoe Nightingale – Proprietor

For the last few years, Zoe Nightingale has been recording random, often hilarious, and sometimes harrowing conversations with people from all walks of life, exploring the balancing act of sin and virtue.

Hear more from Zoe at her website or Soundcloud page.

This episode was brought to you by Parachute. If you’re looking for high quality bedding, and want to support the podcast, visit them here. Use the offer code “LOVE” at checkout for free shipping.

Playlist
(in order of appearance)
Artist – Title – Album

0:00        Ryuichi Sakamoto  – Roly-poly 5 | 命の循環   –  Year Book 2005-2014   

0:49        Mylo –  In My Arms – Destroy Rock & Roll  

5:54        Pupkulies & Rebekah – Pupkulies & Rebekah – Hold me tight (Shaun Reeves & Guti Remix)   

15:04     Mylo – Musclecars  – Destroy Rock & Roll 

24:39     Gold Panda – Marriage –  Lucky Shiner

 

Transcript

– I feel like you might have a really amazing story for other people who are…

My story’s not important…

– …just for other people who maybe could use your words to…

My story’s not important, it’s all about Jesus. If you come into his obedience and you really wanna know who he is, then he’ll come to you. But we must die, you know, it’s appointed for men to die once and after this it’s the judgment, but then we may die in Jesus’ name. We’re gonna be killed for his name, this is gonna happen. If you love Jesus Christ, you’re gonna be killed; but you know, whatever you suffer here – our lives are vapor in the wind. They’re here one day and gone the next. If you save your life, you’re gonna lose it, Jesus said. But if you lose your life for his name’s sake, you’re gonna gain it. You’re gonna rise to everlasting life. Fear you not, for God is with you, for our lives are temporary. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but then we may stand with God and behold his glory, and be with him in paradise. Whatever you suffer here, you’re gonna gain eternal life. To not even trip, don’t worry about what you’re gonna suffer here.

– So, just as a side note, do you ever meet girls doing this? Do you ever meet other Christian women who come to you and say, “I really believe in what you’re doing”, and you take them home or anything like that? This would be a great way to meet Christian singles, right? I mean, you’re like a walking billboard.

I meet a lot of different people, but I’m not here to match up or meet up with anybody.

– But you still  have sex. Even though you’re a Christian, you can still have sex.

I can if I want.

– But you don’t want to?

I live day by day. Maybe it will happen, maybe not, but I’m not focused on that. I’m focused on bringing the message of Christ.

– Okay, so if a Jewish girl came up to you and wanted to talk to you about Jesus, and she said “I have a thing for guys who love Jesus” and she wanted to take you home, you would say no to me?

I don’t know.

– I’m gonna go home and cry if you say no. You don’t know? Are you rejecting me? Fill my vessel with your Jesus love – you’d say no? I’m offended, honestly. I need to go to the gym, I guess. If I was wearing a short skirt, would it help?

I’m blushing, alright?

– I would really love to know, did you go to jail, did you kill someone? What did you do? I know you did something, I see it in your eyes. You’re a bad boy who’s gotten good. I know it, I see it in you. It’s so important to me. Your story must be so good… It must be so good! You must have done something so awesome, I wish you would tell me. I don’t believe you. I think you went to jail for something awesome. Like, grand larceny of like 15 pounds of methamphetamine. Something incredible, with guns and machetes. You’re like one of those Mexican drugs lords with a gold gun and a skull and crossbones on, and you’re just ballin’ out in a Bentley with three hot Columbian girls sucking your dick while you’re driving on the road. Because you have to ball out that hard to have to come to Jesus this hard. I think there’s no way you can come and stand on the street and not have had the most baller fucking life that ended in jail to get you to this point. No?

I just love the Lord, and…

– Nobody just loves the lord, because you weren’t raised this way, you found it. Nobody finds Jesus in and latches on to it this hard without some fucked up shit going down, I know this. This is the only thing I know. Can you confirm or deny some fucked up shit went down in your life? And you can use different words if you don’t use those words now that you’re a Christian.

I’m just gonna keep it simple. It’s through many trials and tribulations that I don’t wanna…

– You should be a politician, dude. You’re really good. Because I’m pretty good at getting stories out of people, and you don’t even budge. I’m impressed, honestly. You should run for Senate, and be like “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” You could be great at that.

I’m just gonna continue to let the Spirit move, let God move.

– Okay, alright. What happens to Jews, though? What happens when I die? Am I going to hell? Oh-oh…

I hope we all receive Christ…

– Okay, but I can tell you for sure, I’m not gonna receive Christ. So what’s gonna happen to me, do I go to hell?

You don’t know that for sure.

– I know for sure. I promise you. I come from the longest line of doctors, lawyers, curmudgeons. Imagine Larry David and Woody Allen…

Jesus still loves you, I love you, and Jesus loves you.

– Jesus doesn’t love me.

Yes, he does.

– No, he does not. He doesn’t love Jews. Since when does Jesus love Jews? He is the most self-hating Jew on the planet. I’m going to purgatory for sure I’m gonna fly around like a headless baby with wings.

I have hope.

– You’ve got hope for me, personally?

Yes, yes. Personally.

– I have hope for me, too. I hope I find Jesus, that sounds fun. I’d love to take no responsibility for my actions, and end up in like a white world of clouds and sex and drugs. That’s what I imagine heaven is. It looks Carlito’s Way, only fun.

It’s nothing of the temporary. If he shows you paradise, I know that you’ll love it. If he truly shows you paradise, you’re gonna love it.

– But I gotta tell you, living in sin is super fun. I’m having a great time not believing in Christ and doing drugs and having fun, and running around. It’s really fun. Do you think having Christ love is more fun? I challenge you to a fun-off: Jesus Christ versus sin. I bet sin wins for sure. Maybe short term win, maybe you win long-term. You’re like the long con, I’m a short con.

I’m gonna keep letting the spirit move then.

– You are so good.

*   *   *

– I’ve got a question for these ladies. Ladies, can you come here for a second? So you guys are virgins?

Yes.

– Are you Hasidic?

No.

– Are you Jewish?

Yes.

– Okay. How Jewish?

Modern Orthodox.

– Fair enough. Can you ladies actually describe yourself?

I’m an NYU student, I’m studying social work and art. I’m recently 21 years old.

– Okay. You both look like you could be on Fiddler on the Roof, I swear to god. It’s incredible. Your voices are incredible. I mean, we have the same voice, kind of. But yours is a little sexier, though; it’s got a little bit of rasp.

Vocal nodules.

– It’s what my girlfriend calls blowjob voice, but it’s not, in your case. It’s just like good, Jewish girl voice. It’s like looking into a mirror, that’s what it is. Because I was once just like you… That’s not true, that’s not true. I was never like you. I was a bad, bad Jewess. Really bad, horrible. Made my mother cry constantly. Has your mother ever cried for something you’ve done?

Probably…

– Like what? Like you didn’t find the afikoman, something terrible?

Nothing like that. We’ve never found the afikoman — sensitive topic.

– What’s the most explosive thing that you guys have done with a boy?

Not a lot.

– Not a lot. Kissing?

Yeah.

– No below the belt. What if your belt’s here? What if you use your belt over your breast?

No.

– Nothing?

Nothing.

– And you guys are 21?

21.

– And you’re doing this for religious reasons.

Yes.

– Both of you? So you believe in god?

Yes.

– Why do you believe in god?

I think you can’t really teach belief, I just do.

– Okay. Are you sure? Have you been in Hebrew school your whole life?

I have been.

– So you definitely can be taught.

You can be taught, like I learned about Judaism in school, but I don’t know if… If I didn’t believe, I don’t know if school would have helped me with that.

For me, I believe that there’s a god, but I also think for different people — people have different ways of interpreting their reality, and for me believing in God is how I interpret it.

– Okay, fair enough. So what would you say to a totally non-believing Jew? Like, the worst; like, I could not believe in it less. How can I believe in Judaism again?

Well, I wouldn’t push you to believe in something you don’t believe in for sure.

– Push me, push me. I’d love to believe in God. I’d love to believe that something is out there looking out for me.

I would say not to judge a god, or a religion on a small sect of people that you had a bad experience with.

When you have a bad day, would you rather be pissed off at the world, or would you rather be pissed off with God? At least for me, when I’m really upset and I can’t be angry with angry with god, you know what’s gonna happen? I’m gonna take it out on all the people around me.

– So he’s a blame thing?

But also, when I’m really happy and I want to hug the world, I hug every single person because I think every single person has a piece of God in them. But I also think that it’s a way to be excited about everything.

– So if every single person has a piece of God in them, why wouldn’t you share that God with them in a sexual way?

Well, I will, with my husband.

– Just your husband?

Here’s the thing. When I have sex, something physically is going to change in me, and I’d rather — I mean your hymen breaks come on.

– I forgot about that, I haven’t seen that in so long. Fuck, like hymen, right? Right, right, okay.

So why would you want anyone else… At least for me, not like…

– God forbid that you get married and then they’re terrible in bed. Their penis is tiny, they hate going down on you, and it’s miserable. Then what?

Hopefully I’m gonna trust my fiancée enough to talk about it; I hope he wouldn’t lie to me.

– Worst-case scenario – what if his penis is tiny? You can’t even see it. Micropenis. Tweezers. You can’t even feel anything. You’re like, “Honey, that’s my belly button. I don’t even know what you’re doing.”

Yeah, that would be really sad.

Okay, but question… It’d be so sad, but let’s say it’s the best guy in the entire world, or the best girl in the entire world?

– But how do you know that? What if there’d be a person who’s just as good, and could fuck you and you’d enjoy it? What if there’d be both?

I don’t know, the before-marriage rule thing is true for me, but I think for anyone that could be a situation where what if the person you fell in love with is really bad at sex?

– Yeah, but you would marry them, then you’d have papers, and you’d have gifts, you have engraved cashew bowls from Tiffany’s, and it would be in stone. There would be papers, and legal.

Well, everyone gets old one day, you know? Eventually, sex stops being cute, you know?

– Sex is never cute. Well, maybe with you. I think having sex with you would be adorable. It’s like having sex with a Pokémon or something. You look like you just came out of a little ball, and someone’s going, “Pikachu, I choose you!” I know so many guys who’d be into that, so many guys! Alright, do they have to be Jewish?

Yeah…

– Do you think you’re gonna find a guy that’s gonna be okay with not having sex with you before marriage? That still exists? Those guys still exist?

Unorthodox boys.

– Oh… Okay. So, I guess, if you had any advice for girls who are super-whores; the ones that you see in those heels, with their fake Louis Vuitton reds they got at Forever 21, and the band-aid dresses with the extensions, wobbling around outside after the bar, on their iPhone, with their fake nails… You know those girls, that are everywhere? What’s your advice for them about how to find meaning in their lives that’s not derived from blowjobs, cocaine and guys buying them a Jägerbomb at the bar?

I would say, first of all, if what you’re doing is working for you, and you’re having fun…

– That’s not working for anyone. Being that girl is not working for anyone…

Maybe try it out for a little bit; like, what’s the harm, for a week and a half, two weeks of not doing that…

– Being a party whore is not good, ever. Not ever.

Try it, you know…

– I’ve tried it. Not good. Trust me on this, take my word for it. Not good. 

Exactly. Try it for two weeks to not do it, and the worst that can happen is to have two weeks of your life you weren’t partying. And then if you decide that it’s still the way you wanna live… But maybe two weeks later of not partying, maybe it’ll change your perspective a little bit.

– Are you excited to have sex?

Yeah.

– What are you the most excited to do first?

I don’t know.

– Do you watch porn?

No.

– Ever? Not ever? Not once?

No.

– You’ve never seen it in books, movies?

In movies, yes.

– What sex experience that you’ve seen in a movie is the thing you closest you want it to look like when you have your wedding day?

In the movies it’s always cute…

– Like Titanic, hand on the window.

That’s not gonna happen, though, no. It’s gonna be my wedding night.

– Okay, but give me an idea. Do you want roses and candles? Are you looking for like bondage? What are we going for here? Not bondage, okay.

Fun, cute… Like, he’s my husband, I’ve been waiting for a really long time for that to happen.

– Okay. If your fiancée says “You’re the sexiest girl I’ve ever seen. I’m gonna marry the shit out of you in like two months… But I can’t wait any more, I just can’t do it. Please, I’m begging you, just let me see your vagina… Or your puss— whatever, let me see your nipp— Let me do something. I need to do something!” What would  you say? You’d say no to the love of your life?

We would talk about it, for sure.

– You would talk about it… Would you call the rabbi?

No…

– I’d call the rabbi probably…

Maybe call my friend…

– But your friends aren’t a good barometer, because your friends are gonna think the same think. You can call me if you want. I would love to be your devil. You can call the rabbi and then you call me. The rabbi will be like, “Well, you’re doing such a Mitzvah waiting”, or whatever he says. And I’ll say, “What are you talking about?” I don’t know, I’m not gonna say what I was gonna say, I feel bad. I’m such a bad Jew. They may get you to call my mom, go to the synagogue, write down my sins, and repent.

You sound really Jewish, you know your thing.

– Oh girl, I was very Jewish. Not no mo’. 

You went to a Jewish school?

– I did go to a Jewish school.

Oh my god, where?

– In DC.

Oh, cool.

– It was full of Jews, and I hated all of ’em. Including myself. Do you have any suggestions for our listeners out there about how to have a more meaningful sex life?

I would say give it… Well, I guess it depends on how many dates you go on, but I would say give it at least a month before you go blowjob.

– A month.

Actually, if you’re looking for a relationship…

Yeah, if you’re looking for a relationship. If you’re looking for a good time — that’s different…

– This is solid advice. So my median of three days – no good.

If you’re looking for serious relationship material… Or you’re looking for just a fun time. I can’t give advice to people who are just in for a fun time, wanting to have sex. It wouldn’t be fair for me to advise… No one should take my advice for that, but…

– I think a lot of people should take your advice. I think what you’re doing is actually really beautiful. I wish I had… No, I don’t. That’s not true. But I’m really glad that somebody out in the world is preserving beautiful, meaningful sexual experiences like this. There’s not many, especially not in New York. So, way to hold down the fort, ladies.

Thanks.

– I really love both of you, you’re so adorable. I wanna take a picture of both of you, you’re so cute.

*   *   *

– Alright, so what is your name, sir?

My name’s Tom.

– Tom. Tom, where are you from, Tom?

Pamplona, Spain.

– You’re from Pamplona, Spain?

Yeah.

– Nice! How’s your Spanish?

Pretty good.

– Yeah?

It better be…

– And you are a military guy.

Ex.

– Ex-military guy?

As of last week.

– As of last week?

Yeah.

– How many years?

66 through last week.

– So you are 27 years old.

About that.

– About that, okay. So Tom, you’ve had a lot of sex, I guess.

Multitudes.

– Multitudes. What’s your number, you think?

Never thought about it.

– Give me a ballpark.

5,000. I started when I was twelve.

– No you did not…?

You do realize that they gave us the ’60s and the ’70s in Torremolinos, Spain.

– I did not know it was specifically in Spain. I thought they had it everywhere.

The bet was, within a week, how many nationalities could you tag down?

– How many could you do? What was your top number?

My top number?

– Yes.

46.

– In a week?

In a week. They all had to be from different countries.

– What are you talking about?

It was a great time.

– Oh my god! Was there drugs involved in this?

No, not too many drugs. Soapers…

– What’s that?

That’s where the quaalude was invented, in Malaga.

– What’s a soaper?

It’s a quaalude.

– What’s a quaalude do?

It’s a cheap drug. I didn’t like them.

– Okay, alright.

We smoked some dope, of course. Hashish, a fair amount of hash.

– So wait, let me go backwards to your game.

Go ahead.

– The game was you would try to have sex with as many women as possible, they all had to be from a different country and your top number was 46.

46 in seven days.

– How many per day? What was your top-level day?

Nine.

– How long were you having sex with them for?

Quite a while. I don’t like to have… I love sex, so I like to keep it going for a long time.

– So you were having sex all day.

All day.

– Right. What would you eat? Would you have some fuel, would you stop for some Gatorade, or whatever that was in the sixties?

Oh, we would eat and drink in bed. Wine, mostly.

– Wine?

Yeah.

– Okay.

White wine daytime, red wine night time. Blood for blood.

– Did you change your sheets?

We didn’t have time to change sheets.

– And how did you meet these girls, what was your…

I owned a bar…

– Oh, you owned a bar! It’s so easy to have sex with girls when you own a bar.

Pretty much.

– So smart, is that why you got into it?

No, I was a good-looking boy.

– You’re still a good-looking boy.

I was a guitar player.

– Oh my god, it all comes out. Did you play flamenco guitar?

No.

– What kind of guitar?

I played folk and rock’n’roll. I still do.

– How would you begin your seduction game? What would be the first move when you saw a beautiful girl?

A girl would come up to the bar, she would have a drink, I’d go “Wanna fuck?” she’d go “Yeah, let’s do it.”

– That’s it.

Pretty much.

– Nice shoes, wanna fuck.

They were all tourists, they were there to fuck. I owned the bar, and I played guitar. So I would play them their song.

– What was their song usually?

It depended.

– Who is the best sex you’ve ever had of that time?

That’s strangely enough — are you talking blowjobs, anal, vaginal?

– I want one of each. Give me every category you can remember.

Okay. My ex-fiancée from 35 years ago, who I got engaged to because she was the best fellatrix I had ever…

– Fellatrix?

Fellatio, do you know what a fellatio is?

– A fellatio. Is that the Italian version?

Spanish. The Italian version is greasy.

– Okay. So she was the best fellatrix…

Yeah, and I thought she was dead. Turns out she’s not dead, I found out at the bull fight meeting the other night. Somebody said, “Diane’s on the phone.” I said, “Diane’s dead. It must be a long distance call.”

– So the best blowjob was from your ex-fiancée, who is not dead…

Who is gonna show up at my house in Cape May, tomorrow afternoon at 2 o’clock, and the first thing she’s gonna do is blow me. And she said, “Then can we go to the beach?” I said, “Of course.”

– You know, a real woman would say “Can we go to the beach and then I’ll blow you?” But a real whore will say “I will blow you first.”

Well, she tried for that.

– You said, “Nah, babe. On your knees, then maybe I’ll take you to get a sandwich.”

Not on your knees, are you kidding? This is a respectful operation. You don’t put a girl on her knees. You get on your knees.

– Well, then what does she do? I’m confused.

It’s very simple.

– Okay, tell me.

If I’m gonna eat a woman, she sits on the edge of something and I get on my knees…

– Okay, fair enough. I thought this was the other way around.

When she’s doing the other way around, I’m laying down in bed, or on a couch, or on the floor.

– You don’t wanna stand up, that’s really plebeian, it’s really low-class. Primitive… Ugh!

It takes away from the concentration. Also, the angle of the cock is wrong. She has to keep pulling it down. You don’t want that to happen, you want it to go natural.

– No, you want the cock naturally right in her mouth. That makes sense.

Yeah.

– Do you use Viagra?

No, Cialis.

– Cialis, is that better? That’s like 36 hours of… You’re crazy.

Well, I need the 36-hour… And do I use it? Yeah, but only when I wanna be 18 again. I don’t need it, it’s a recreational drug.

– So how old are you really?

60.

– You’re 60?

Yes.

– That makes sense.

How old are you?

– Fourteen.

Yeah, okay.

– Yeah, so we’re about the same age.

Hey, I told you the truth, you tell me the truth.

– I’m 29.

29? Oh, that’s a great age Zoe.

– It is. It’s a good age.

When you hit 35, you’re gonna be out of your mind.

– I know, it’s over. It’s over for me. I already know that.

No, no. That’s your peak. A man’s 25, a girl’s 35.

– But see, god forbid, I’ll be tricked by my horrendous ovaries and I’ll have popped out some yoga babies living in Park Slope, and it will be over.

Find my car keys, we’ll drive out.

– Do you wanna go?

Sure, you bet.

– Do you wanna procreate?

Yeah, why not?

– You think you can handle all… Yeah, you definitely can handle all of us easily.

Yeah. You see, I worship you.

– Oh man…

So a 29-year-old woman comes to me and she goes, “Let’s see. He doesn’t have an orgasm ’till I have 12, he worships me… So, okay, he’s got some scars, but he’s in a pretty good shape. Average size dick…”

– You’re in great shape. Average is plenty. Well, you don’t want too much, of course.

I’ve got a broken rib right now, but other than that I’m fine. That’s why I’m gonna be laying down for the blow job. I don’t wanna stand up, because if I twist it when I climax, I’m gonna hurt my rib.

– I hear you, that’s a big problem. Alright, so best blow job is from the woman who’s not dead, coming to blow you tomorrow, while you’re in the bed, and then you’re going to the beach and getting some sandwiches.

That’s right. No, we’re gonna drink white wine. Vast quantities of white wine.

– Okay. So, best sex?

Best sex is love. I’ve been in love 35-40 times. I’ve been alive a long time, Zoe.

– 35 to 40 times, real love?

Real love.

– 40 times?

Yeah. And we’re all still in love, except the ones that are dead.

– Jesus, you’ve been busy. You must be exhausted.

Why? I don’t come. I have tantric orgasms. If you come, I come, but I don’t ejaculate. So I can go for hours and hours, and then finally when she goes “Please come”, I come. It’s tantric. It’s very simple, you go to Thailand, you go to Bangkok, you find the right people and you learn. You’re a nice-looking girl. I like your eyes, you’ve got merry eyes.

– Merry eyes?

Merry eyes.

– I love that.

You remind me of Christmas.

– How many people have you killed?

Next question.

– Oh, dear. Oh, god. So I guess a lot, then. What kind of army were you in?

101st Airborne, 82nd Airborne, 5th Special Forces, Ranger Battalion, Pathfinder, you name it.

– Good lord, so as many as women you’ve had sex with. Is it “So here’s sex, here’s killing. Big alligator goes which way?”

Actually, there is a relationship. You do have an orgasm when you kill. It’s mental, but you still have it. You get an erection when you kill and, of course, I get an erection for sex.

– Which erection is bigger, the killing or the sex?

The problem with the killing was when you kill the first time and you like it, you’re fucked.

– Whoa… What’s it feel like to be such a baller?

I’m not. There’s a lot of sadness.

– Well, of course there is.

Remember, there are two things that I know after sixty years: there are no coincidences, and everything important in life is an oxymoron.

 

[Credits]

*   *   *

– Mom, what’s fisting? Mom, can you just tell me what fisting is?

Yeah. It’s when you put your fist in someone’s vagina. I don’t know why you would want to do this, but that’s… Oh, wait a minute, do not record me! I’ve had enough.

– You’ve had enough of me being hilarious?

Yeah.

– You don’t want me to be funny anymore?

No, I love you being funny but, you know, let’s draw a line.

– Which line? Draw a line at fisting?

Yeah.

 

 

 

Published on: June 24, 2015

From: Episodes, Season 4

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