Ceara Lynch has a ten year career as a self-described humiliatrix, catering to a wide variety of sexual fetishes over the internet, and gaining exposure to a unique part of the human psyche.
Ceara’s website is here.
Special thanks to Julie Sabatier of the Rendered podcast.PLAYLIST
Artist – Title – Album
Manitoba (Caribou) – Dundas, Ontario (remix) – Give’r
Eat Tapes – Hard Reset – Sticky Buttons
Eat Tapes – I’ve Become Cretin – Dos Mutantes
Eat Tapes – Vandervoom – Sticky Buttons
Lotic – Phlegm – Heterocetera
To Rococo Rot and I-Sound – She Tended to Forget
To Rococo Rot and I-Sound – I Wanted to Meet Him – Pantone EP
Manitoba (Caribou) – Dundas, Ontario (remix) – Give’r
Ceara Lynch – Humiliatrix [phone ringing]
Hello, folks. Let’s be real for a moment. This episode is a little more adult than usual. Let’s just say you’re gonna want to a dental dam over your ears because a pencil-thin audio phallus is going to be all up in that brain case, making a big, wet mess of your brain. So if you can’t handle that, it’s time to flip the channel and listen to Radio Disney, or whatever floats your boat, little boy, little girl. You know the blue pill? This is radio red pill. If you’re not ready for it, I feel sorry for you. Anyway, you’ve been warned. This is some heavy stuff. I would have used a four letter word to describe it, but this is a content warning, and that wouldn’t be fair now, would it? Well, pleasant dreams to you, and enjoy the show.[Please hold while we ask the customer if they would like to continue the call. Press one…] [BEEP]
Okay, so a typical day… So I live alone; you know, I wake up, I make myself breakfast, I work out, I spend a lot of time at my computer, just kind of messing around. I’ll be reading Twitter, reading the New York Times, or something, and then I’ll get a phone call. You know, it will be some guy wanting me to shit in his mouth.
When I was about 12 or 13 I was teaching myself how to make really simple websites, so I was teaching myself HTML. My mom lived just kind of out in the middle of nowhere, so there really wasn’t much to do. And I got this idea, because we had four cats that would constantly catch the most interesting animal – not just mice, but snakes, and bats, and rabbits, and odd mice with kangaroo legs. I’ve always been kind of an odd girl, so anything unique and gross was really interesting to me. One of the first websites I ever made was a memorial to all these animals that my cats killed. So I would take a picture of this dead animal and I would post it, I would name it, I would date it… And the whole website was just a memorial to all the animals that my cats killed.
If you’ve ever been a young girl on the internet, or pretended to be a young girl on the internet, you’re gonna get attention. I was used to creepy perverts talking to me online; the internet is kind of full of them. When I was about 17 years old I ended up talking to this guy who randomly found me… This was way before Facebook, I think this was just AOL Instant Messenger, but he found my screen name and he just started messaging me. He would tell me that he thought I was really pretty, and that I was just amazing. He sexualized me, but not like an object; he sexualized me like as this goddess that should be worshipped and revered. Then he would tell me all these little perverse fantasies… He was different than anyone else I’d ever talked to before, because he had these unusual fetishes. He really liked getting peed on, and he had a fetish for women’s pantyhose. I was kind of grossed out because I thought he was a creepy pervert, like not enough to block him because I found him so interesting. But I was actually really mean to him, and for reasons I didn’t understand at the time, he really liked that I treated him like that. He would be like, “Oh, I want to meet you”, and I would be like, “No. I hate you.” And he would still want to talk to me.
The reason that I was interacting with him at all was because I didn’t have to meet him in person. You know, I could just talk to him online, and that was safe. So I was like, “No, I’m not gonna meet you, no I’m not gonna meet you.” You know, the meaner I was to him, the more attention he wanted from me. But he still wanted something more from me.
One day he logs on and he’s like, “Oh, you’re so amazing. Your kiss probably tastes like honey. It should be bottled and sold.” I didn’t think anything of it at the time, I was just like, “Yeah, you should buy it.” And he agreed. We were just playing a little game. I’m thinking, like, “There’s no way this guy is gonna pay, but what do I really have to lose?” Like, why not?
A week later I get an envelope from him, and it contained 250 dollars. I was just like, “Holy shit!” After that, I started thinking about it, and I had heard of women who sell their used panties, and I figured there has to be a way to do that online. So I did some research, and I found this website called Ebanned. It’s basically an auction site just like eBay, but they specialize in items that eBay has banned: women’s panties, socks, shoes, Kleenex, tampons, pubic hair, chewed up gum – anything a woman could harvest off her body. These guys don’t want just any random pair of panties, they want panties of the woman they’re attracted to. So I just used a self-timer and took some pictures of myself, and posted my first auction. They were mostly going for 20 or 30 dollars, so not a whole lot, but my first auction ended up going for like 100 dollars. I kept going, I kept saying, “What else I could sell?” I was like, “What’s the weirdest fucking thing I could sell on this website?” I just got a kick out of it.
One time I sold what I called my ‘toe jam’. Basically, I took some jam and I squished it with my feet… I took all these pictures of me just squishing, like I was making wine or something, just squishing it between my toes, and then I scraped it off and put in these little tiny baby food jars, little two or three ounce jars, and I sold them individually – 30 dollars a jar. I got the craziest pictures from this guy back. He dressed up in a woman’s nighty and he had this jam, and he printed out some pictures of me, and then a sign that said, “I worship princess Ceara”. He got on his knees, like he was praying, and he just started eating this jam, rubbing it on his face…
After I was on Ebanned for a while selling stuff, I would always look and see what other women were doing, how were they making money, what seemed to be selling well, that sort of thing, and I found this woman who was not my friend – she goes by Princess Lenn – and she had this website, and she called herself a financial dominatrix. Someone who humiliates men for money, and men actually get off on giving her money. I was so intrigued by that… I was like, “That is what I want to do right there. That sounds perfect.” You could set up phone lines where you get paid per minute, so you’re like a phone sex operator essentially, but since I was more of this fetish girl, the guys that would call me would usually be very submissive, and so I would tell them that they’re a stupid piece of shit, and “lick my shoe” and “kiss my ass,” and that sort of thing, just kind of insulting and berating them, and they really liked it, so that’s kind of the direction I turned to.
Ceara is not your real name…
Do you consider it a character that you’re playing?
Yes, it’s a character. It’s an exaggerated version of one side of myself. Yes, I have kind of a bitchy, bratty side, and I just kind of tap into that, and I pump it up like ten times. I play a total sadist, I play someone who just exploits fetishes… I wasn’t really like this at first, when I was just kind of selling my panties; I was a little more neutral, but as I progressed and I started playing more of the femdom role, I became more sinister and sadistic. My character is all about taking advantage of men and using their desires against them, to get what I want.
I can show you my closet upstairs, it’s like lingerie, bikinis, and sexy stuff like that; stripper clothes… You know, I don’t get naked, but I get pretty close to it. I don’t want to seem like I’m on any moral high ground in that sense.
When I’m in the clothes and I have my studio lights on, and I’m about to hit the camera, I just…take a breath, and I go.
Could you give me a couple lines in character?
Yeah. I mean, can you turn it on like that?
Yeah, I probably could. Alright, let me think… I will do… Alright, I’m pretend I’m talking to one of my foot boys.
Yeah, you can pretend I’m…
Okay. Oh, you’re a dirty little foot bitch, aren’t you? You just want to get on your knees and crawl to me, suck off the dirt between my toes like a little slut. You love it, don’t you? You do, I can tell. I can see the little eager look in your face. You just want to please me so bad, don’t you?
Eventually it got to the point where I was making enough money that it didn’t make sense for me to keep a job that I hated, that paid me minimum wage, that I had to wake up really early and sacrifice a lot of my social time… So I just started doing it full-time, and I haven’t had a normal job since.
How much of it was about the money, and how much of it was your own interest?
Well, I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t getting paid, but I do get a kick out of it. I like that it’s a job where I can kind of be creative… I think it’s fun, I certainly like the fact that I work for myself, my time is flexible, but I don’t get off on it. I don’t like it in the same way my customers like it.
What are the services you provide? What’s the menu?
So I kind of see it all as like this big machine. I make videos, I have phone lines, and I have a cam, and then I have my Twitter, and my blog, and I try and keep all these plates spinning, because they feed off of each other. Like, a guy will watch a video and he’ll want to call me; or he’ll see a picture on my Twitter and want to buy a video. So if I keep everything kind of going, it really just like feeds off of each other, so I try not to let anything slack.
I still sell worn items once in a while, and then I have phone lines: phone lines where you can just talk to me, I have phone lines with a webcam where you can also see me, I have what is called an ‘ignore line’, where guys literally call and I tell them they’re stupid and I’m going to ignore them, and then I put the phone down, and as long as they stay on the phone I get paid per minute. That’s a fun one.
How I make most of my money right now is through video clips. They’re just point of view type videos; it’s just me, camera pointed at me and I’m talking directly to the camera, so that the viewer feels like I’m talking to them. I just humiliate them, or I touch on different fetishes… Some guys like feet, some guys like it when you make fun of their small penis, some guys are into cuckolding, some guys are into getting spit on, so there’s a bunch of different things that I can touch on, and they’re usually kind of specific, but they’re all under the umbrella of female domination.[I’ve done a little research, feels like my duty given my line of work, to really know how the male mind works…]
I talk to all walks of life. I think that there’s this misconception, that there’s this trope of guys that see a dominatrix, who are these high-powered CEOs, and because they have this high-powered status they want to give up that power to a dominatrix. And yeah, I think there are guys like that out there, but that’s not the main type of guy. There’s all sorts of guys: there’s guys, you high status, low status, just regular joes, old, young, all races, all religions… You know, it’s across the board.
Let’s say a guy calls me and he says, “I’m a sissy.” A sissy mean that he probably has a small penis, he likes to be made fun of for that, he likes to dress up as a girl, he has fantasies about getting pimped out, that sort of thing. So I can just go off and be like, “Oh, I’m gonna put a leash on collar on you and I’m gonna drag you to the nearest glory hole, and make you put on your prettiest dress. I’m gonna have guys lining at the door, just ready to use your little slutty mouth,” that sort of thing. I can come up with that just from the fact that he said I’m a sissy.
I had one that I thought was really cool, it was really different than anything I’d done before. There’s this website, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, it’s called yourbrainonporn.com, and it’s about the neurology of men who look at porn, and it’s arguing that porn is addictive, and it’s rewiring their brains, and all this sort of thing. I think it’s total bullshit, but whatever. And so this guy wanted me to do a video where I was looking at this website, and I’m explaining to him how I’m using this information to use against him, and to use against all my viewers, and the whole video is me just looking like an evil bitch. Just, “I know exactly how to rewire your brain. I don’t give a fuck about you, I’m gonna make you addicted to me. You’re just gonna send me all your money, and there’s no way out. You’re totally fucked.”[…unless your relationship’s suffering. Can’t keep a girlfriend, can’t keep a decent job, set any goals, accomplish anything… So you’re just a lifeless John for me. Total addict. Face it. Helpless.]
So what are the more unusual fetishes that you’ve encountered?
There is this fetish called ‘giantess’, and it’s a bit of a tragic fetish because it can never be realized. It’s basically guys who get off on the idea of a giant woman. They get shrunk down to the size of an inch, or there’s just this attack of a 50 ft woman, destroying buildings, Godzilla-type thing.
I will make videos, or if I do a webcam show, I’ll take the camera and I’ll put it on the ground, and I’ll have it pointing up at me, so I look like I’m really, really tall, and then I talk about just crushing them with my feet, or putting them in my mouth and chewing them up and swallowing them… A lot of them involves them dying somehow because of me… [laughs] I get guys that are into a version of cuckolding, which I think, traditionally, cuckolding is when you wife cheats on you and you kind of get off on her sleeping with other men…
And specifically humiliation too, right?
Yeah, the humiliation of it, exactly. With my version of it, I will have guys pay for my date. If I go out with a guy, I will take a picture of the receipt, and I will send it to one of my cuckolds and they will pay me for the dinner, or they’ll want to buy lingerie for me to wear, for when I get busy with a gentleman suitor. You know, I’ll make videos where I just talk about how they can never measure up… I mentioned financial domination before, that’s a fun one, it’s just literally where guys get off on giving me money, or having me control their bank accounts.
Oh, they actually hand over control of the bank account?
That’s the fantasy… Whether guys actually go through with it is another story. That’s the kind of thing about financial domination – you hear about it, you’re like “That’s amazing!” You know, a guy can have that fetish and not necessarily have money, or not necessarily give you real information; it’s usually a lot of role play. Same goes for guys who have blackmail fetishes. They get off on the idea of me having their wife’s phone number, or something like that, and then I could use that to get what I want from them. It would be like, “You have to give me X amount of dollars, or I’m gonna call her.” Or they’ll send me some humiliating picture of themselves, like in a thong with a dildo in their mouth, or something like that, and then they’ll give me their bosses’ e-mail address, and then I can get whatever I want from them. But you know, in reality, these guys will usually give fake information, or pictures without their face in it, so they’ll really have no consequence.
If you’ve had a bad day, is it kind of nice to go into work and get to just say horrible things at people?[laughs] The problem with me is that I actually have to be in a good mood to do this, because these guys like what I’m doing, so if I’m in a bad mood I genuinely want to make them mad, which means I’m just gonna ignore them, or I am gonna be really nice to them, or something that’s just the opposite of what they want… So it’s actually better if I’m in kind of a good mood, and I want to play around any push those buttons, and give them a good experience. [The rate for this call will be $1.99/minute. Press one at any… BEEP] Please introduce yourself.
– Hi, who’s this?
– This is Mousey Mitch.
– Hey, Mousey Mitch. How’s it going?
– It’s going really good.
– Good. You understand you called a listing where you’re gonna be recorded?
– Yes, ma’am.
– So you’re okay with being recorded…?
– Yes, ma’am.
– Good, that’s what I like to hear.]
Thank you for making that so clear, by the way.
Yeah, no problem. [laughs] [- Have you called me before?
– No, not in a while, but I’ve seen your beautiful feet on cam.
– You saw my beautiful feet on cam?
– Yes, ma’am, in a lot of your videos.
– Which is your favorite video?
– Well, anyone where you smell your feet and where you’re humiliating…
– Mm-hm… So you like smelly feet and being humiliated?
– Yes… Smelly butts.
– Smelly butts? Well, I hate to break it to you, Mousey Mitch, but I shower regularly, so I don’t really smell. I have a feeling that you probably smell pretty bad though.
– Yes, ma’am.
– Are you jerking off right now?
– I am… Am I allowed to?
– Yeah, whatever, I don’t give a shit. I could tell though, like, right when I started talking to you, you had that breathy sound in your voice. You were like in the middle of stroking and you were so excited to call me, weren’t you?
– Yes. My penis is very, very small though…
– Yeah? How small is it?
– It’s embarrassing to say, but maybe 2, 3 inches…
– Are you fucking kidding me?
– Your penis is two or three inches?
– [laughs] You’re joking, right?
– No, ma’am.
– Oh my god… That is absurd. A two-inch penis, seriously? Are you a virgin?
– Um… Yes.
– Yeah? How old are you?
– You’re a 43-year-old virgin… [laughs]
– Well, I hate to break it to you, Mousey Mitch, but you’re going to be a virgin the rest of your sad fucking life.
– Yes, I know…]
[laughter] So I actually was totally surprised by my reaction to this…
…because I felt really bad for him.[laughs] I can understand that reaction.
Do you think that he knows that it’s okay to have a two inch… Well, okay, let’s back up: do you think he actually does have a two-inch dick?
Um, I take everything guys tell me with a grain of salt, but you know, that’s not outside the realm of possibility… I certainly get a lot of pictures of two or three-inch penises, so they are out there, but who knows… It’s entirely possible he has a normal or even large penis, and he just likes this fetish, you know?
Yeah, I can’t imagine there would be many guys out there… I mean, who the hell knows? I can’t imagine there would be that many guys out there who have normal size dicks, who have some weird ‘having a small dick’ thing.
Yeah, it’s pretty rare… I have seen it though on camera. I’ve seen guys with actually pretty large dicks, but they want to be made fun of for being small, so I don’t know how that happens, but it does once in a while. I think he’s probably not a 44-year-old virgin, or whatever. That, I’m a little more skeptical on, but again, who knows…?
Right. I really wanted to be in it – this is probably why I couldn’t have job – but I kind of wanted to be like, “Dude, that’s okay. Just get really good at oral sex, you know?” Is there any part of you that wants to say that?
Sort of. There’s a part of me that wants to tell guys, “Stop focusing so much on your fucking dick all the time” because that’s really what small penis humiliation comes down to – it’s a way to get a girl to pay attention to your dick, which is kind of what all guys are like, in some sense. A lot of people, this fetish kind of blows their mind because it’s like, “Why would a guy like this?” It’s like, it’s just another way to draw attention to your penis. Guys care so much more about the size of their penis than women do, you know? And if you’re so obsessed with your size, you’re not paying attention to her. But it’s not so much like, “Oh, it’s okay, you know… There’s other things you can do,” it’s more like, “Dude, stop being so selfish. Pay attention to what she likes, and you’ll be fine.”[- So tell me, Mousey Mitch, do you do the little two-finger jerk-off?
– …you know, where you use your thumb and your index finger to jerk off because your dick is too small and you can’t reach your whole hand around it?
– Yes, I do.
– Oh, isn’t that cute? It’s like you have a little baby dick. [laughs] Do you ever jerk off with a pair of tweezers? [laughs]
– It’s kind of more of an in-grown hair at that point, isn’t it?
– Yes, ma’am.]
Well, I think at this point I’m like, “Okay, he is totally a twit.” [laughter] Because it’s gone into the realm of ridiculousness, where he’s saying, “Yes, I jerk off with a pair of tweezers.”[laughs]
I don’t have a question about it, I just… This is like what I’m personally experiencing listening…[- You know what I think would be really fun? Since you’re so obsessed with things that smell bad, and you have a tiny little dick, and you have little fantasies about me beating up your tiny, little, worthless body, I think it would be fun to get on a pair of my really filthy hiking boots, and go for a long hike, on a rainy, muddy day, get them all nice and caked with dirt, and shit, and whatever else I’d pick up, and then have you lie on the ground, completely naked, looking up at me, and I’ll just take my boot and squish your little fucking cock like it’s a little worm, just like gasping for air on a rainy day.
– Okay… Thank you…
– [laughs] And listen to you whimper and whine… Yeah… Did you say thank you?
– Yes, ma’am.
– Say it again.
– Thank you, ma’am.
– Thank you for what?
– Thank you for humiliating me and stepping on me.
– Stomping on you, more like it.
– Stomping on me…
A lot of people ask me, “You must think that all guys are into this sort of thing,” and I don’t. I actually really don’t. I feel like guys on my computer are into this sort of thing. When I meet someone in person it doesn’t even occur to me, unless they tell me outright. A lot of times I really don’t even see them as people. It’s easy to kind of keep it in its own little box. I think it would be more difficult, at least for me, to be a porn star or a stripper, when you’re dealing with people in person. I think that’s a lot more draining. I think maybe you are often seeing a really bad side of men, and that can be kind of wearing…
You don’t think of yourself as seeing the bad side of guys?
Well, because it is all online, it really does feel like a video game, and if you’re literally having sex for a living, I imagine that would be hard to kind of separate. I mean, I don’t know; I’ve never done it, and I think it’s a totally valid job choice, but I think it would be hard if you wanted to have your own sex life, especially since I think that sort of thing is a big deal breaker for a lot of potential partners. I’ve been really lucky in that I’ve never scared guys away with this job before, because I’m able to keep it separate, and it does seem so different from what I actually enjoy sexually.
How do you decide where to draw the line? So you don’t get naked… What is the line for you and why is the line there?
The no-nudity thing kind of seems to go with the territory. I wouldn’t be as successful if I did get naked. The whole idea behind what I do is my customers aren’t worthy of seeing me naked. In their minds, if I did, I would be degrading myself.
So it has nothing to do with protecting yourself emotionally?
Well, I mean, I’m glad I don’t have to because I know a lot of girls who do porn or just regular naked cam, and the attention they get from guys is really gross. It’s just, you know, overly sexual, or guys are definitely a lot…
This is amazing to me… You get so much sexual attention from guys, what are you talking about?
But it’s totally different. Because they’re submissive it’s, “Oh my god, you’re amazing, you’re beautiful.” It’s a lot of compliments. Girls who do just regular, vanilla web-camming, they get a lot of compliments too, but they get a lot of vicious comments, as well. They get a lot of guys just picking apart their body, or thinking that just because they see them naked that they can go and fuck them… I don’t know, the comments are just a lot grosser to me. Girls who get naked, it’s similar to being a celebrity and being put on the frontpage of a tabloid magazine where they’re pointing out, like, your cellulite, or just picking apart your body in that way. It’s pretty rare that I get a rude, nasty comment.
I was reading your reviews on your phone line, and they’re all super positive. I remember one that really struck me, of one one-star review that was like, “She was really hot, and she’s really good at what she does, but then I came and I realized she’s a horrible person” you know?[laughs] Yeah.
And I’m just curious what is it like to read stuff like that?
That always makes me laugh, because men really are different people before and after they come. No matter what a guy’s into, I think that’s true. So many guys I talk to don’t want to like what they like, you know? They’re into dressing up like a little girl, and sticking things in their butts, and they don’t actually want to like that, but they can’t help it.
I’ll get guys that are just super excited, and after they come they feel terrible, and then they get mad at me, like I did something to them. Yeah, I think a lot of guys, they just want to be normal, you know? They would just want to have a normal girlfriend, or just be into boobs and blowjobs like every other guy… I also get older guys who are married that are kind of stuck in a way; either they have kids, or they come from a really strict religious background, and they really have to keep this side of themselves secret.
Is it emotionally tough for you?
Not really… I empathize with it, but at the end of the day it’s not my problem. I would hope that what I do gives them some kind of outlet.
Do you think the vast majority of guys really do separate the reality from the fantasy pretty well?
I think most of them do. I think most of them are able to live a normal life, but I do see a lot of guys who seem to have a problem with it, like it really seems to kind of take over their life. I am skeptical to use the word ‘addiction’, I don’t think that’s accurate, but I do see a lot of guys habitually watching my videos, or spending too much time thinking about me, or doing things that would be just very risky for them.
I had a guy one time… Actually, many times. He likes taking risks around his wife, so he has cammed with me in his bed, while she was sleeping next to him.
What goes through your mind when that kind of stuff is going on?
I’m in my character, I just go along with it, I play the role of this evil bitch. At the end of the day they’re making their own choices. I don’t come up with this stuff. If he didn’t want to cam with me next to his wife, it would never even occur to me to tell him to do it. It’s my job to just play along with that fantasy.
Has there been a risky situation in which someone did get caught? I guess you wouldn’t find out about it if that were to happen, but…
Not that I know of… It’s hard to say. I would imagine if a wife did find out – and I’m sure it’s happened before – it’s a private situation from there. I do get a lot of guys messaging me, pretending to be an angry wife, and that’s usually very obvious to me, because they’re not talking like a woman would talk. It’s always like, “Oh, I found my husband looking at your videos. How should I punish him?” [laughter] You know, so it’s always kind of obvious.
Do you feel at all like playing this character is a shield for you?
Hm… I have to think about that for a minute. Is it like a shield for me…? I feel like I have to put on a shield to do it, in a way. I can’t take what anyone says to me too personally, or I can’t take it too seriously. I mean, I always kind of saw it as an exaggerated version of one side of myself, so in a way I’m shielding from all those other parts of myself that kind of make me a more three-dimensional person. I have to shield people from the fact that I’m actually pretty nice, and I’m quite of quiet, and I’m actually very laid back and I go with the flow, and that sort of thing. So that needs to be shielded, sort of… it did it at the beginning; I really feel at this point I have a lot less to prove in that sense. I’m fairly popular in this very niche realm, and I feel like I can let those other sides of me leak through once in a while.
You’re speaking about it in terms of shielding your reputation. I’m wondering if there’s an emotional component as well?
What do you mean?
I imagine that a lot of guys are saying weird stuff, or whatever… Do you feel like that stuff, you couldn’t care less about, or is that something that by playing this character it sort of makes it easier to swallow some of that stuff?
Yeah, I don’t know… I think I’m just very much aware of the fact that I’m dealing with guys that are at the height of arousal, and you can’t really take anything they say seriously. One of the biggest mistakes that a lot of women make when they first get in this industry is they believe what the guys tell them. So when they’re really horny, they’re like, “Oh, I’m gonna give you all my money, I’m gonna put you on my will, I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna pay you every week, I’m gonna be your slave for life…” Then, once they come, that’s all said and done, they were just talking. And the same goes for if they get vicious on you, which doesn’t happen too often for me because I deal with submissive men that think they worship me. Guys that are horny are almost like cognitively impaired, in a way, so you can’t take anything they say seriously.
Do you feel like your work has given you a greater insight into men, generally? Or is it such a niche, sort of specific thing?
I think it’s taught me how very vulnerable men are when they’re aroused. I don’t know, there’s like a weakness to it, that I think maybe a lot of women don’t necessarily realize.[- What else am I gonna use you for, hm?
– If you need to fart…
– If I need to fart, is that what you said?
– Yes, ma’am.
– [laughs] And what if I need to fart? What are you gonna do for me then?
– I’ll sniff in your fart.
– [laughs] Mousey Mitch, how exactly does you sniffing my farts do anything for me? I think that is pure luxury for you. It does nothing for me, that’s just an indulgent, disgusting little thing that you wanna do.
– I can be your foot stool.
– I have foot stools, too. Let’s go back to this farting thing, because I find that really interesting. Since you’re a sick little freak that wants to do that, well, I think I need to take advantage of that, don’t I?
– Yes, ma’am.
– Yeah, I think you, Mousey Mitch, need to go to an ATM, pull out a lot of money, and then, I don’t know, I think I wanna charge you for every fart that you are gonna sniff of mine. So, something like… Mm… I don’t know, how much money do you make?
– Not very much.
– Not very much – great. I will bankrupt you then. So I think something like 100 dollars a fart is more than fair. How long does it take you to earn 100 dollars?
– Maybe a day…
– A day, great. So, in one second, I can take what takes you a full day to earn. Through flatulence. [laughs] It’s just such a shame that girls don’t fart.
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I hate when people jump on words, but the word you used is that you exploit these guys, and I’m curious, do you view it as an inherently sort of exploitative practice?
Sometimes I do, yes. I think it’s a little bit exploitive. If you think exploitation means that someone has an advantage over you – yeah, I think I have an advantage over these guys. They can’t help the fact that this turns them on, and they have to spend money to get their rocks off. I mean, I guess in theory they could use their imagination, and find cheaper ways of doing it, but yeah, I feel like I definitely have the better end of the deal.
I mean, is that different from any other service? Like, if someone wants something and they buy it, you know what I mean? Like an exchange.
Yes, I see what you’re saying. Sort of… I feel like maybe other services – it’s more of a fair price. I mean, I’m always shocked how much guys will pay me, it seems crazy to me at times. But if guys are willing to pay it, then I must not be, you know? That’s just the market speaking, if you will. But these guys can’t help what they like.
Do you feel like you ever get a sense of them as real people? Do you get a sense of a larger life that they’re having?
The vast majority of the guys, no. They’re here to jerk off and leave, and that’s fine. I have one guy in particular that I’ve been talking to for about eight years now. He would call my ignore line, which meant that, you know, he would call me and I’d set the phone down and I wouldn’t talk to him. And he would just try and get my attention the whole time, but I usually had it on speaker, because sometimes guys will kind of say funny, interesting things, and so I would hear him on the phone, and he would just be like, “Hi… What are you doing… Huh…” Like, trying to get me to respond, and I would ignore him, ignore him, ignore him… And then he would just drive me nuts and I’d be like, “Shut the fuck up!” and I’d put the phone down, and he’d be like, “Aw… Hi…?” and he’d start off again. [laughs]
Then he started asking me these questions, like “Why do girls laugh at me? Why am I a virgin?” Every once in a while his questions would get really dark. He actually talked about how his parents would abuse him, and he would ask me if he deserved that. For a while, I just thought that was part of the game.[Yes, you absolutely deserve that. You’re a piece of shit.]
…taking these personal problems that he has and just laughing at them. I don’t know what it was, but after a while I just kind of started to realize he was serious when he said that. He would ask the question and I would respond in a way that I thought he wanted me to respond, and rather than grunting, or moaning, or whatever, he would just sound really sad. So I started asking him more about that, and his dad was really abusive. He got into specifics, just like objects he used to hit him with, and things he used to say to him about how he was never good enough…
He was telling me things that he maybe didn’t even want to say to a therapist, but for whatever reason he was comfortable telling me. You know, I would break character, and I’d be like, “No, not kid deserves to be abused. Of course you didn’t deserve that.” Our conversations transitioned into more of like a therapist/client sort of thing, where he would want to talk about his problems. I would always tell him to go see a therapist. Like, “We can talk about this, but you need to get professional help.” He was the first and really the only guy that I was ever like, “Look, you can’t jerk off to me on the phone any more. This is kind of an either/or: either you come to me to jerk off, or you come to me to talk about these problems.” The two combined just kind of weirded me out. So yeah, I made him choose between the two, and that’s what he chose.
And you’re still talking now?
Yeah, pretty regularly.
And how is he doing?
Better, I think. He’s a good guy, he’s a really good guy. Very socially awkward, has a huge inferiority complex, was a virgin until he was about 26, 27, but recently got a girlfriend, and seems to be adjusting better.
Have you ever met him in person?
I have, actually. He’s the one client, if you will, of mine, that I have met in person. He actually gave me like 500 dollars cash, or something. He still very much likes to pay me money, and when we do talk, it is over my paid phone lines.
What’s sort of your long-term goal with this? So much of what I assume is the attraction for guys as they see the photos, they know what you look like… I imagine that, as you get older, the popularity probably wanes, right? Is that something you think about?
Yeah, I think about it all the time. I’ve always kind of told myself that I will do this until it makes sense not to. I am just trying to milk this gravy train as long as I can. Every year I’m like, “Okay, I’m not gonna make this much money, I’m not gonna make this much money. This isn’t gonna last.” I don’t wanna get complacent, and I’ve been really lucky.
I seem to be actually making more and more money every year. I went to college, I have a bachelor’s in psychology, which is pretty much useless, unless I wanna go back to school, which is always an option. But in the mean time, I just feel like I need to put all my focus on this, save up as much as I can, and invest as much as I can. I really want to pay off my house in the next couple of years, and just have that security. I’m not really sure what the future entails…
[I just love molding that neuroplasticity… ] [laughs]
Nick van der Kolk, Host, Director & Producer
Brendan Baker, Producer